post-fall

i saw a girl i've seen a million times before today. about an hour ago. nothing special this time.

except the way she smelled.

regardless of how the scent came to inhabit her suburban pores, i'm sure that it didn't migrate directly to alabama from brighton in the past week. i know that sweet, infectious scent, that intoxicating smell that i have lost myself in, that delicious sequence of olfactory chemicals which, transcending their original purpose, invade my brain and invoke some mindless euphoria in every nerve. its extension, the body behind the odor, the mind behind the almost sinister gift; her eyes peer into my soul (right here) from beyond the foggy atlantic. and suddenly what i left (what left me) and the inevitable...seem like a fateful practical joke.

someday, i will either be immune to its allure or i will find her. otherwise, my life is to become an endless chain of unattainable temptations, this being the most recent and the most cruel.

cold

in the misty cold midday of this place, her face looks drearier and darker than ever before. 

the week ticks; the days melt; and a feeling of impatience permeates every grain that falls through my mind's rusted hourglass. it's as if, with my own dreams, i've returned to the beaches of that mythical place, where there is no sand to rush through my fingertips, nothing outside of my control, an unknown place made into a home. the rocks on that far-off beach are as cold now in december as my heart, and hers, and hers, and hers. is life but a rotating door of short-lived half-hearted happiness, with a nightcap of heartbreak on the rocks; the return of bliss and an icy reprieve, ad infinitum?

i walked around my neighborhood to have a cigarette today and i saw absolutely no one.

my heart in portland, my skin in texas, my mouth in england, and my eyes in huntsville. this is no way to live, broken. i need my heart back. my skin is cold. my mouth is tired. my eyes ache, weighty with tears. my speakers blare songs of no consequence, the television which i had forgotten for so long dulls my emotion. i miss knowing anything. i forget how it feels to feel whole. i fear that life will never be what it use to be. 

it could get better, though. but who exactly am i supposed to fuck until then?

on second thought, it probably won't get better. fuck until then.