don't read

in a state of flux, i find myself, as i do more often than not, not having any idea what i should be doing.

when it comes to the more simple things, those things that tend not to matter in the long run, things like getting a job and doing work for class, i know exactly what i can and should do. i need to get a job. there is no question. and similarly, i need to do work for my classes. there is no grey area...these issues are blatantly black and white.

still, while the things that aren't clear aren't necessarily more important (although they seem to be), they always seem to be more urgent, perhaps because there is some element of variability, some chance that what i do may affect the outcome, whether slightly or tremendously.

which brings us, finally, to the situation. and, more importantly, to the person it's all about, at the moment, anyway. she is beautiful, smart, and funny, in her own dry way. i enjoy spending time with her and talking to her. i feel like i understand her, somewhat, and she has probably figured me out. but i don't know what she wants. i have no idea, from one moment to the next, whether she wants me in her presence or not. it's not her fault. it's my own insecurity that plays at my perception this way. but it still bothers me that i never have a hold on what i should be doing. and i suppose that's the way it usually is. but something about her makes me feel like it's do or die, now or never. like if i slip, she'll be gone forever.

she doesn't want anything serious. and neither do i. but i have this problem, see? i find girls who i want to fuck all the time. i find girls who i can speak to intelligently less so. but a girl who i find extremely attractive and intelligent? it shouldn't be as rare as it is...but it hasn't happened many times in my life.

"fuck. what's that?"

"that's the pain of you shooting yourself in the foot."

the situation: an update

i sit here, in this computer lab in brighton, a small but bustling city on the south coast of england, surrounded by people i don't know. on the one hand, this realization is definitely frightening. so many experiences i cannot relate to, so many judgments to be made upon the way i look, the way i speak, the way i think from so many foreign vantage points. but at the same time, while the fear is sometimes paralysing, the excitement is palpable. so many oppurtunities to explore the vast humanity that embraces the globe, so as not to float off into space. so many clubs, so many classes, so many ears to hear me and minds to know me and hearts to conquer. it's a strange and exhilarating predicament. and i've just begun to accept it's magnitude. and i realize that it's okay to be scared, it's only natural to be anxious about this brave new world...which is actually the old world, but i digress.

i sit here, reloading my bank account statement, awaiting money from home. a poor student, on exchange in Europe. i don't have minutes on my phone but i can assure you, i am getting drunk tonight.

it's a grimy and hazy idealism. and i can't help but feeling like i'm on the edge of something epic. like i'm either going fall into oblivion or rise into the heights of existence. more than likely, though, i'm just going to have a really amazing year.