the two americas

i've come to a realization that is, at once, frightening and uplifting. when i think about the events to come in coming days, my stomach drops - but my heart soars. i realized two inextricably linked truths, just now, just two minutes ago, while thinking about the junior senator from illinois, barack hussein obama. if (and, with any luck, when) barack obama wins the 2008 election, it will be the proudest, most satisfying, most viscerally emotional moment of my life. the intense euphoria that will invade my heart and mind when the first non-white president proves that, even if racism still exists in america (and it most surely does), it has been relegated to the fringe of our country, leaving the mainstream with a basically intelligent understanding of the importance of justice and the unimportance of skin color. personally, i will feel empowered, ennobled...at home. being a political fiend, having this irresistible attraction to this misunderstood business of society, culture, and power, i find that i can pinpoint no single event before now that would come close to the sheer joy, the ridiculously optimistic enthusiasm that will overwhelm me when i hear, see - know(!) - that he will be my president come january.

still, i said i came to two realizations and that was only one. the other, the one that makes my stomach drop, the frightening truth that lurks on the other side of the coin, is that, if the senator from arizona manages to steal this away from me, with the help of christian radicals who believe that all should believe as they do, with the aid of neoconservative pseudo-fascists who wish their power to extend indefinitely to the corners of the earth and the bedrooms of america...if john mccain and sarah palin manage to overcome barack and joe biden with some cruel twist of fate, it will, conversely, be the first moment in my life in which i really, truly question the decency of my own country. i will, for at least a moment, question america's greatness, rethink our grand claim to protector of liberty. i won't stop loving america, but from the cold depths of my mind i will carefully reexamine the worth of the country where i was born. if an old, undiverse, intolerant, elitist, imperialist, conservative administration can be voted into office after eight years of old, undiverse, intolerant, elitist, imperialist, conservative policies that have damaged our state and our reputations almost beyond repair...then i might not actually, morally be able to support my country as much as have before.

my mind is begging me to wait before i cash in all my chips...which is why the second paragraph is even an issue. i can't let my optimism and the polls lull me into a complacency that might be brutally shattered and replaced with the most bitter disappointment i've ever felt. but my heart holds sway here to. and it tells me i can at least rest easy, sleep soundly, in the knowledge - no, in the hope - that everything will be just fine.